lucymorningstar | Entries tagged with mental health

questionoftheday asks: Do you prefer paper books or ebooks? What are your opinions regarding one over the other?

My answer: Ebooks, most definitely.

I've got ADHD and my attention span is appalling. I'd always get distracted and stressed out by how much more of the book there was but with my kindle, it doesn't matter how long the book is, it's the same shape and size and weight, and all there is, is the one page that's in front of me. I also like that I can change the colour of the page, the colour/size and font type to make it work better for me. I've read more books in the last 18 months than I've read in my entire life!

I have already read 30 books this year which, if you'd told me a couple of years ago I could read that many books in 6 months I would have laughed at you. I'm averaging something like a book a week. I'm currently reading Equal Rites, one of the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett and it is wonderful. Laugh out loud funy and larger than life characters and just the whole world is bursting.

I've read the Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan, I've read the Clockwork Century series by Cherie Priest, the Guardians series by William Joyce and I've read the Keys To The Kingdom series by Garth Nix. I've discovered there are Stargate SG-1 books.

I'm excited to read and can quite happily curl up in our library room of an evening with my kindle. It's funy, you'll often get all three of us sitting there, each with our books and a drink, some music playing quietly and we're all lost in our own books. Jack and Sam always used to do that but I never joined them because I couldn't concentrate on reading a book but I love being able to join them. It's a lovely way of winding down before bed and I even look forward to it

Things are going to get very stressful around here very quickly. We are moving again at the end of the month and I know that it has an effect on my mental health. Last year I wasn't prepared for it and I ended up in hospital. This year, I want to be a little more prepared.

Self-care is really important but it's easy to forget. Even though social media is full of people posting photos of colourful bath water, books and candles - but that's more Sam's style of self-care than it is mine. Jack's would involve gardening or fishing or a crossword.

I wanted a list to look at whenever I need cheering up, or if I'm feeling stressed out and can't think of ways to de-stress. But I wanted one that was specific, without tons of suggestions that aren't relevant to me. So instead of spending hours on pinterest and instagram, I decided to write down what makes me happy. My happy list.

Things to do to cheer myself up or calm myself down
1. Watch planner videos on youtube
There's something really relaxing about watching other people plan their lives, and I love getting the inspiration from their layouts. My current favourite planners are Sunshine & Stationery and MyLifeInABullet but BohoBerry and Caitlin's Corner and Christina77star and alexandraplans are also good channels to watch

2. Knit
I'm still learning and can still only do really basic stitches but I find the repetitive motion to be soothing but I can't concentrate on it for very long. Happiness is not made of dropping stitches and losing count!

3. Watch MacGyver
Or Stargate SG1. Basically spend some time admiring Richard Dean Anderson. What can I say, I adore that man and his smile makes me giddy like a schoolgirl
(The list was going to say Watch Lucifer but I'm still too upset over the cancellation :( )

4. Clean/Organise something
I find cleaning very therapeutic. I think it's the obvious act of clearing a mess, tidying things, making things organised. It's something I can take control of, it's an achievable goal and it gives me a sense of accomplishment

5. Watch Harry Potter
Especially Prisoner Of Azkaban, because it's always my favourite. I have serious amounts of love for Sirius and Remus, and I like the style and feel and look of the film.

6. Play Cards Against Humanity
It's become a fast favourite game of mine, Jack's and Sam's - it's absolutely hilarious and we can lose ourselves for hours playing it. Great way to take our minds off everything and just relax and have fun

7. Go for a walk
Fresh air and exercise - always a good mix to clear the head and will also get me out of the house for a while and give me a break from packing and related stresses. Also if I take the dogs and Jack with me for company and we can go somewhere really pretty in the car then walk.

8. Make a hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows
Add some caramel sauce and use a nice mug as well. Because nice big mugs make everything better and the combination will feel like a wonderfully warming hug.

9. Bake or cook something
It feels a little like creating magic, taking a handful of ingredients and making something tasty out of it. It makes the house smell amazing as well - is ther anything better than the smell of, for example, bread baking?

10. Have a nap
Preferably with either Sam or Jack - or both. Curl up under warm, fresh, sheets and have a cuddle, drift off to sleep with the people I love and lose myself in a good dream.

11. Watch a Marvel marathon
Steve Rogers has special powers that make Lucy feel better. I love the way the first part of the series, the way each of the characters is introduced and the team is formed. I think it's great cinema.

12. Do some yoga
I've been doing yoga for about a year now, Sam & I attend local classes although she tends to prefer pilates. I'm not claiming to be any good but I like how it makes me feel, like my mind and body are connected and I have a sense of peace

13. Have a good cry
Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is just let it out and have a really good cry. But keep it short. And use the really nice, soft, balsalm tissues.

14. Listen to some loud 80s rock music
If no-one's around and I'm home alone, I will turn the volume up, dance around in my socks, sing along using a hairbrush as a microphone and bang my head. If I'm not alone, it's just played on headphones and I close my eyes and listen.

15. Buy myself a small gift
Nothing extravagant - usually some stationery, some pens, some notebooks or something with elephants or unicorms - because it's nice to treat myself to something small to make myself feel better

16. Call a friend
It's good to talk, after all and just listening to someone else can get me out of my head. So I'll call one of my sisters, or my brother, or my parents. Or someone like my friends Jason or John or Ben can always get me out of a funk and make me laugh - they've always got funny stories about their kids

17. Make a list of all the good things in my life
Things like this usually end up as being a bullet journal collection and it's always nice to be able to sit down and think about the good things, the things that make me happy and just enjoy the feeling of them. Although this one's a blog post.

18. Tell Jack and Sam that I love them
It's such a small thing but have you ever noticed how the person you say it to lights up and then being able to do that for them makes you feel better too.

19. Buy a nice box of chocolates
And don’t share them with anyone. Not even Jack. No matter how much he pouts at me

20. Indulge in some BDSM
OK so I'm a submissive but I can still ask to be dominate, I can ask Sam or Jack to tie me up or spank me. When I go into subspace, there's nothing else that matters than obeying my dominant. Endorphins are a wonderful thing. And if it comes with bonus orgasms, even better!

So that's it. My happy list. It was a lot harder to write than I expected it to be and it's taken me almost two hours but just writing it has made me smile so I know that having it is going to help me when I'm feeling down or stressed out.

What's on your happy list?

Current Mood: accomplished

OK so I've been thinking for the last couple of days about that whole thinking of myself as a person and not as my illness that the therapist wants me to do, and about how I'm going to introduce myself and this is what I've come up with

Hi! I'm Lucy. I'm 39 years old and still trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing - I never believe anyone who thinks they know what's going on!

I'm a Scorpio born in the Year Of The Horse, an ESTJ, sorted into Hufflepuff, align as neutral evil and am basically a hopeless romantic. I will happily call myself a geek .

I'm a bisexual, polyamorous, English woman living in South Wales my partners of 8 years, Jack & Samantha.

I'm a homemaker, I love to bake and cook (and eat) and organise. I find cleaning to be very therapeutic. I hate gardening and DIY - but luckily Jack loves them.

I'm a fan of 80s rock music, science-fiction, urban fantasy and superheros (both Marvel and DC). I love to play boardgames, knit and have recently taken up yoga and zumba. I've started getting into steampunk and really want to learn more. I'm totally obsessed with Angels, bullet journals, cryptozoology and space. I left school with no qualifications but I'm currently studying English, Maths, Science and German. My favourite colours are blue and purple. My favourite smell is baking bread. My favourite animal is a unicorn.

I've suffered with mental illness since I was a teenager and have both ADHD and Schizoaffective disorder - think all the fun of schizophrenia with all the fun of being bipolar. I'm pretty extraverted (yet socially awkward) and sarcastic, and have been told I have a warped sense of humour. I don't have a clear sense of where 'the line' is. I'm a pessimist yet a big kid at heart.

I don't like change, never have done. It doesn't matter if it's a big change - like moving house - or little changes - like a website being redesigned. I'm not good with dealing with the change.

It's the latter that's got me wigged out today. A website I like and visit regularly has unveiled a new look. I get that it's 'cleaner' and 'clearer' and looks more professional etc which was the point of the revamp but it's taking me a while to get used to it. It's definitely easier to read but it feels less friendly and I'm having difficulty with the new menu - things aren't where I'm expecting them to be.

I know it's a silly little thing to bother me, a first world problem as it were and I don't like that it upsets me so much. I also know it's not something I can control. I just have to work on it, work on getting used to the new site. Which I'm doing.

Current Mood: frustrated

Today has not been a good day. It's not been A Bad Day, just not particularly very good. I've been feeling very sluggish and low, and not wanting to be around people. That's extended to coming online as well but wanting to build a habit has me here, even if I have nothing to say

I think it's partially related to the clocks going back. I don't feel like my body clock has reset yet. It's only 9pm and I want to go to bed.

I don't feel like I've accomplished anything other than the dusting. J & I watched some CSI this afternoon, I cooked some macaroni cheese, then all three of us watched this week's episodes of Discovery and Lucifer.
I really liked Discovery this week, it felt like a proper Star Trek episode, like proper scifi, but Lucifer fell a little flat to me, like something was missing.

I was kind of hoping someone had posted a meme or something that I could steal so I had something worth posting about. But I don't so I'm just going to talk about nothing instead.

Current Mood: bored

I've been really struggling with the depressive part of my mental health this summer and talking to my therapist in the week I'm realising that I'm not just depressed, I'm actually pretty miserable. And talking to her I've discovered that, other than watching TV/movies with J, I'm not really doing anything for myself and haven't since we moved.

I don't go to the gym or to yoga anymore. I've fallen out of love with bullet journalling and planning. I haven't been doing my science or german or maths or english lessons. I've not been blogging or reading blogs. I've literally not been doing anything for myself.

I need to start doing things I love, I need to start doing things for me.

I want to start going back to the gym and to yoga. But I don't know the leisure centre or the people and I'm not sure I'm up to doing that, so perhaps I need to ask S to come with me. That way we can get some time together, doing a yoga class.

I picked up my bullet journal but the spark was gone. I went to watch some of the youtube videos but it just wasn't resonating with me anymore. That makes me sad because I did really enjoy it. It could just be a depression thing again and maybe I need to push myself to just DO it rather than worrying about it.

So this evening while we're watching Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves, I've pulled up my laptop and logged onto Dreamwidth. I'm writing. I'm about to read. Because this is something I can do, right now, for me.

I think that's going to be my goal for November. Be selfish. Do one thing every day that's just for me, for pleasure, for enjoyment. You wouldn't think it would be that hard, right?

Current Mood: sad

Insomnia, as I think we all know, is a bitch and it turns me into a bit of one. I think it does all of us to an extent. Who doesn't get a little bit cranky and snappy when they're overly tired? I get insomnia as a symptom of being schizoaffective, I get irritable as a symptom and I get irritable because I'm tired. It's all a vicious circle as most things are with mental health.

In a way I'm kind of used to not sleeping properly and most of my coping methods work most of the time. This is a special circumstance. I know I'm stressed and anxious, I don't deal with change and I'm not sleeping right because of it. I probably won't sleep right for weeks, if not months, because of it. I do have a prescription for sleeping pills if I need them and I hate them but I might have to rely on them for a while.

Too much of a lack of sleep makes all the other shit even harder to deal with... and as with vicious circles round and round we go.

S is also struggling to sleep properly because of the cast on her leg. She's not napping so much during the day either because she's not taking so many painkilers. S is not used to not getting enough sleep and she's getting really grouchy with it. She's also making herself wired by drinking caffeine to wake herself up but isn't doing anything to work off the energy... and so she can't sleep.
I feel really bad for her. She's has never had insomnia. She's seen me dealing with it for years and she told me that now she's experienced it just a little and has a vague idea of just some of what I go through, she told me she doesn't know how I cope. She made me cry when she cuddled me and said she was proud of me for keeping fighting through the darkness.

I feel really bad for J actually. He's got both of us suffering with sleep deprivation and being tired and irritable. How he doesn't yell at us when we're both being bitches I don't know. He just shrugs and says he knows he don't mean it, and he also said to me there'd be no point and that it would resolve anything. That man is a saint.

I probably had a point when I sat down and started to write but that was about 15 minutes ago now and I don't actually remember anymore. I'm tired, like the kind of tired where if I close my eyes too long I might actually go to sleep so I might crawl into bed. Even if all I do is nap for a few hours and I'm wide awake again after, I think that would be better than sitting here for 2 hours until 'bedtime'. I know I'm supposed to 'maintain regular sleep patterns' but I think in the current situation, sleeping when tired is more important.

Current Mood: tired

If I just start posting like normal, no-one will notice I haven't been posting regularly, right?

Hello friends. Sorry for disappearing on you. Everything went crazy around here and I've been really struggling with my health because I've been so stressed out. And the one thing that seems to get dropped is finding time to do things that I enjoy. It's a really bad habit of mine that when I go into survival mode, I forget about me. And blogging/journalling is really good for my mental health, it helps me try to gt things out of my head and into a way that I can try and make sense of. So my bad habit of neglecting myself is something I really want to start working on and I'm going to bring it up with my new therapist.

Yes, a new one. One of the crazy things thats happening around here is that we're moving. I'm really stressed about it :(
S has been headhunted and has changed jobs but it's down in Cardiff so we're moving. We're supposed to be moving around August bank holiday Monday and then S is due to start her new job in September. She's really excited more it's more pure physics-centric than her current role which is more engineering based.

But!
Because there's always a but, right?
A couple of weeks ago, she broke her leg really badly. Like had to have pins put it in badly and was told that she has to have a cast on for 'at least three months' which takes her up to the beginning of September so she doesn't even know if she's going to be able to start taking her classes when the semeste starts

I'm really stressed for her but she's of the view that what will be will be, if she can't start classes in the Autumn semester, she'll start in Spring. Her new boss knows that she's injured and out of action and they're just taking it as it comes.

Mostly, she's just bored. That can be quite fun for me and J haha. She's getting better at getting around on crutches so we're hoping to be able to do some family activities over the summer. We've been doing a lot of 'Netflix and chill' and we're doing a Doctor Who rewatch which is fun. She's also got herself a DW which is

samanderson. And she's learning to knit - and so am I!

Well. This post seems to have mostly been about S and I think I've rambled enough for today. Have a good week!

After I mentioned thinking about doing a post about auditory hallucinations some of you said you would be interested in reading about them, so this is me attemtping to write about them. I'm not an expert and I don't know if I'll make any kind of sense but I'll do my best.

I have schizoaffective disorder which is like having manic depression and schizophrenia all at the same time.
Manic depression/bipolar is characterized by a cycle of moods between the opposite extremes of depression and a euphoric state called mania.
Schizophrenia is characterized by such disturbances in thought as visual and auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia.
Schizoaffectives like me get to experience the best of both worlds, with disturbances in both thought and mood.

I have had auditory hallucinations since I was a teenager. We all have that voice that we talk to ourselves with inside our head, like our own narrator. It's the voice you hear when you're reading this. Hearing voices isn't like that. You know that your inner voice is just your own thoughts, that it's not something you're hearing someone else say. Auditory hallucinations sound like they're coming from outside your head and it can be really hard to distinguish them from someone else actually talking to you.

I hear someone shout my name, I reply or turn to look and there's no-one there. I'll look around and I can't find anyone. A lot of the time it's a lot more disturing. The voices I hear are horrible to me, they tell me I'm worthless, that I deserve to die, they tell me how to kill myself, that J & S aren't real/hate me. Sometimes it's 'just' a running commentary of anything that's going on, like I'm the subject of a David Attenborough documentary Lucy is sitting on the couch, with her legs crossed and her laptop on her knees. She is writing a dreamwidth post about her hallucinations. J is in the garden with the dogs style. Or sometimes the voices are shouting my thoughts outloud, so everyone else around me can hear what I'm thinking. Except they can't because the voices aren't real but at the time you don't always realise that they're not real. It can be pretty terrifying.

The voice quite often has a person attached to it; it's not alway disembodied. I've replied to something someone's said only they've not said something (I saw a person, I heard a voice, the two weren't connected) or the person aren't even there. And it's not always negative, it can just be someone asking me how I am or saying they like my dress. It was unsettling to find out my best friend isn't real. You know that moment in Sixth Sense when you find out Bruce Willis is a ghost and then you realise that no-one else has interacted with him the whole movie? It's like that.

There's this new girl in yoga, Addison. I like her. I think she's real but I'm also not 100% sure I've seen anyone else speaking with her. Then again, it's yoga and we're nearly always too busy focusing on what we're doing. I keep meaning to ask J to meet up for coffee after one session to see if he can see her.

Never being quite sure if things/people are real or not is weird. It can be scary but not as terrifying as hearing a disembodied voice calmly and precisely talk you through taking an overdose. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not sure I ever will be.

Current Mood: discontent

Clearly, J, S & I are too old to do the staying up to see in the New Year and associated fun times that we had until the small hours of the morning. This afternoon we were watching ET and S fell asleep. Next thing I know, J had shaken us both awake and sent us to bed. Well, OK, he sent me to bed and strongly suggested that S to as well. Which we did. And then he joined us. There wasn't even any sex, literally just sleeping.

Woke up about an hour and a half later and J had gone, left a note saying he'd gone to the football match. Mad man. It's raining out there and it's like 6 degrees- and he complains about his back and his knees and he's gone to watch a bunch of guys running around a football field. Ah well, he enjoys it at least.

I'm definitely still tired. I keep getting glimpses of this black shadowy figure out of the corner of my eye and a sense of being watched, and this strangest sensation of everything being muted by static. Not entirely pleasant. I'm 90% sure it's a hallucination but you always wonder. I also have no concentration span, I have no idea what's going on the movie - I'm not foowing it at all. I'm fidgety and it's taken me like 40 minutes to write this.
I've checked my pillbox and all my meds are taken. Note made of symptoms and influences in my tracker.
Ah the fun of mental health.

Can I have a do-over on January 1st, please?

S and I are watching Despicable Me and trying to decide what to have for dinner - and apparently I keep 'wandering off' while we're talking so I probably won't be allowed to cook, at least not unsupervised. We've narrowed it down to either a three-cheese risotto (because J isn't home and we can have fun experimenting/having new foods) or just having pie and mash.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

I like routines. I like having a structure to my day - especially my morning - and it helps me stop from getting too distracted by everything around me. Not completely but it definitely helps me. I have it written down in my bujo too, each day, and being able to tick each thing off gives me a sense of success. I also find that writing it out each day really solidifies what I'm doing.

I tried using Habitica but remembering to actually log into the website was much harder than having a notebook out on the table all the time.

It's taken me a while but I'm really pleased with the one I've got and it works for me. Of course, some days it doesn't for various reasons but because I've got it all written down, I can always go back to my checklist and see where I am. I'm usually pretty good at figuring out what I'm doing based on clues around me.

Before bed I lay out what clothes I'm going to wear tomorrow, I make sure my phone is charging, my keys etc are on the table (same goes for J's and S's) and that I'm in bed with enough time to fall asleep to sleep well.

In the morning, I like to be up and showered before J&S - stops me getting distracted wanting to clean up the bathroom, tidy up after J etc. I dress and take my meds and I'm down in the kitchen and I've fed the dog and cats and I'm having breakfast before J&S start getting ready and we're not all in each others way.
I'd like to try and work in some exercise or some meditation time into the routine but I'm so used to how my mornings go that I don't want to risk it. I do have 'go for a walk' in my afternoon schedule once everything's done around the house so it's not like I'm not getting things done.

I like having a routine because starting the day of getting things done kind of sets me up for the rest of the day - like a forward momentum of productivity. If that mkes sense. Maybe to some people doing the same tasks in the same order may seem boring but to me? It's kind of soothing

Current Mood: thoughtful

This time a topic I've thought long and hard about how to answer. My answer itself is very simple but it's the wording of it. I've also gone and learned how to do an post-cut thing so as to hide things from people who, for various reasons, wouldn't feel comfortable reading about it. The last thing I want is to accidentally trigger someone.

( A time I thought about ending my own life )

Current Mood: thoughtful

I think I need to speak to my doctor about my sleep again - as you can see, it's almost 1am and I'm wide awake. If current rouine is to be expected, I'll crash out around 01:45 and sleep really hard until about 5:30. And then spend most of the day feeling very groggy and tired and lethargic. It's been about a week now and I'm unhappy about it. Possibly an adjustment in dosage of something or other.

I've taken to sleeping in what gets designated as "my" room - second largest of the bedrooms and with staircase heading up to loft conversion - rather than our room. I don't want my lack of sleep disturbing J or S. Although 80% of the time, when I wake up, one of them - usually S - will be in the bed with me.

Lets see, what else is going on?

Watching NCIS earlier and it really is worth noting that Mark Harmon is a very attractive man. He's starting to look his age, but it's not detracting from his handsomeness.
Mark Weatherley, on the other hand, is not aging well. Although the older he gets, the more genius the casting of Robert Wagner as DiNozzo Snr is because WOW the resemblance is remarkable.
I've noticed that I've missed a couple of seasons of NCIS: Los Angeles and that there's an NCIS: New Orleans now as well, so I might make watching those a summer project.

Summer is always strange around here. We're hitting the time of year where the university students all go home for the summer but the tourists haven't descended yet. It's starting like a bit of a ghost town and it's quite spooky. It'll be like it another 6 weeks or so, then things will be insane in August. I like this time of year though because S basically takes these 6 weeks off. Come August, she'll be busy with organisation, prep, research, locking herself in the lab and doing stuff. But these 6 weeks, she just kicks back and enjoys her summer. J normally takes some time off too and we're talking about going away somewhere, maybe just a long weekend, maybe a week.

We need to get to see the new X Men movie.

I've found a couple of 30-day exercise challenges that I might try in June. My weight is coming down slowly and I always find healthy eating easier in the warmer weather.
So there's a 30-day ab challenge full of sit ups, crunches, leg raises and planks - and I need to work out the difference between a sit up and a crunch.
And there's a 30 day beginner fitness one full of lunges, leg raises, wall sits, squats, jumping jacks and other stuff I've never heard of so wil have to google.
I've also been looking at the beginner routine from Blogilates on Youtube.

Speaking of Youtube, I am so completely in love with watching Plan With Me videos. I may have mentioned this before. But it's basically just videos of people with their planners and sticker kits and doing their planning for the week ahead. There's something really calming and relaxing about it.
There's part of me that would love to do something like that but I am so not prepared to pay the price of that style of planner and throw in the cost of the sticker kits and it starts getting ridiculous

So I'll be sticking to my bullet journal. I've actually now bought myself a purple A5 Moleskine for doing it and some I think they're Inkmate pens. Hopefully the postman will bring them Tuesday so I can get everything set up in there before June properly starts on Wednesday. I've kept up with it for the whole of May, I've worked out what layouts and collections I like/work for me - I don't like stickers or embellishments, just nice and neat and functional. Mine isn't all artsy and creative like some of the really pretty ones you see out there but... well, why should I let that stop me doing what works for me?

I said about 30 day challenges. I might even get round to carrying on with that 30 day blog one. I thought about writing the answer to the next one in this post but it's a pretty depressing topic so I don't think I will. I'll answer that tomorrow - might need to figure out how to do one of those 'read the rest behind here' things because it's about suicide and I don't want to trigger anyone by them not scrolling/skipping past it.

Current Mood: tired

I tend to have very much a live and let live attitude when it comes to recreational drugs and alcohol - other people can do with them as they please, and really it's none of my business. If I become concerned a friend may be abusing, however, I will step in and speak to them because as a friend, it is my business.
Maybe I sound hippocritical but there's a difference between using and abusing.

I drank a lot as a teenager and into my early twenties, smoked probably more than my fair share of weed. I found it helped to dim some of the stimulus but at the same time, oh fuck did it make me hallucinate. Though there was a kind of thought of at least I knew these ones were hallucinations.

Nowadays, I drink and smoke very much in moderation. The odd glass of wine or pint of beer, sometimes a cocktail or two when we go out. A joint every so often. I find I don't like how they screw with my medication or trigger some of my negative symptoms.

Current Mood: thoughtful

ADHD is about having broken filters on your perception.

Neurotypical people have a sort of mental secretary that takes the 99% of irrelevant crap that crosses their mind, and simply deletes it before they become consciously aware of it. As such, their mental workspace is like a huge clean whiteboard, ready to hold and organize useful information.

I... don't. Every single thing that comes in the front door gets written directly on the whiteboard in bold, underlined red letters, no matter what it is, and no matter what has to be erased in order for it to fit.
I also have the problem of never being sure what sensory input I'm receiving is actually real vs what's a hallucination, I have no control over something imaginary wiping out something that's real.

This happens every single waking moment, and I have to manually examine each thought, check for relevance, and try desperately to remember what the thing was I was doing before it came along. Usually I forget, and if I'm not completely distracted by the shiny new thing, I'm stuck in the middle of a desert trying to guess what the hell I was doing from the clues available - hopefully without getting distracted by a completely different set of stimuli

I'm pretty good at working out the context of random remarks, as I'm effectively doing that all the time anyway.

I rely heavily on routine - which I've talked about before - and 90% of the time get by on autopilot. I can't get distracted from a sufficiently ingrained habit, from muscle memory, no matter what useless crap is going on inside my head... unless someone goes and actually disrupts my routine. I've actually been distracted out of taking my medication, on several occasions, by S reminding me to take my medication.

That's why the internet is like crack - it's this non-stop influx of constantly-new things, so I can flick from one to the next after only seconds, and a single click of a button. It's why I stayed away from it for so long. I didn't trust myself not to get sucked in.

The exception to this is a thing called hyper focus. Occasionally, when something just clicks with me, I can get ridiculously deeply drawn into it, and NOTHING can distract me. I can lose hours in the blink of an eye.
Somedays, this can actually be a good thing. Mostly, it's a negative.

Medication takes the edge off. It reduces the input, it tones down the fluster, it makes it easier to ignore trivial stuff (and, sometimes the important stuff too), and it increases the lengt of my concentration. Caffeine helps me calm down too, helps me focus but the come down is brutal. Energy drinks have been known to put me to sleep.

There was a sentence here that started with "I don't..." but my phone beeped and the I don't has become I don't know what I was actually going to say next. Or how I was going to finish this post. But apparently S is cold.

I want to curl up and cry. I want to scream and yell and throw things. I want to do everything and nothing and am mostly ending up sitting here, staring into space.

J's mum passed away yesterday. Peacefully, in her sleep, at the grand age of 95. J&S have gone to be with family. Family don't know about me so I'm stuck here on my own. Which is weird. And it's Friday night which is the night we all do someting together, usually a meal and a film.

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Which is weird. I have no reason to be.
I feel horrible for J :( I wish I could be there for him.

I have a pounding headache and feel sick. I feel like I've forgotten to do something, but I don't know what. I'm still not sleeping right. I also hate sleeping alone.

Woe is me.

Current Mood: lonely

Today couldn't have been much more different than yesterday if it had tried - I went from having barely any sleep to having ALL the sleep. I fell asleep on the couch pretty early - and during The Force Awakens no less! S woke me up about 9 and I dragged myself off to bed. Slept like a complete log all night, completely missed J&S coming to bed last night and getting up this morning. I didn't wake up til just after 10am.

I spent the morning mostly just hibernating. I downloaded and watched Lucifer - and OMG! to that - while waiting for two deliveries to come.
One box of stuff for S, I have no idea what's in it but I get the feeling it's going to involve pain, pleasure or both for me and J
One Amazon delivery for me with a few stationery supplies. I'm getting my bulletjournal set up nicely, still playing around with some layouts and I'm so uncreative it's embarassing, really. It looks nowhere near as nice as the ones I'm seeing online.

This afternoon... I honestly have no idea what I've spent the day doing. There was some laundry, I took out the rubbish and the recycling. I swept and mopt the kitchen. I did cook us a very nice coq au vin, even if I do say so myself.

It's now 8pm, I'm curled up on the big bean bag in the living room. We're watching Sanctuary and I'm realising I haven't done any of my Maths, English or Science today, so I should probably get on with that... because I could quite easily just put the laptop down and go to sleep.

Current Mood: tired

This morning has very much been a Monday. I didn't sleep very well again last night - I couldn't get comfortable, I was too hot/too cold, and when I did sleep I had incredibly bizarre dreams. I ended up getting out of bed and going to sleep in the guest bedroom. I didn't want to disturb J&S

I know I was half-awake around 4:30 or so and S was curling up around me. She muttered about me not being in bed then went back to sleep. I dozed until she got up, then we all had breakfast. I kind of lazed around this morning, waiting for a parcel but mostly feeling very fuzzy and groggy from lack of sleep. I fell deeep into the black of hole of Pinterest. Seriously, that site is amazing
I'm https://uk.pinterest.com/lucyshiningone/ if anyone else is there

Late morning I got a text saying the parcel would be coming tomorrow, so I showered and dressed around midday. Walked into town to get some things I needed, met up with J for some lunch then came home. I've been setting up my bullet journal and watching TV.

Pretty much a wasted day but I still don't feel quite right from the lack of sleep. S has ordered takeout, and we got The Force Awakens on DVD today so I think it's going to be a nice chill evening.

I'm going to need to keep track of sleep and mood though, just in case this becomes a thing and we need to start playing with drugs and doses - which I really don't want :(

Current Mood: tired

I think I mentioned before that I left school over 20 years ago with no qualifications so I thought I'd take a moment to talk about that. I know a lot of people always wonder how that happened.

I was always classified as being the class 'trouble-maker' - I had no attention span, I was easily distracted (usually by my imaginary friends - who I preferred to my schoolmates), my memory was useless, I was forgetful, I didn't listen to the teacher, I could never sit still and was always fidgeting, I was a chatterbox, I never waited my turn... as I got older it just got worse and I would react... ah... extremely to any criticism from teachers - or anyone. The oddest things would make me laugh (especially when they made other people cry), I would get very angry very easily and take it out on both myself and other people. I had severe mood swings.

I lost track of the amount of times I was sent to the head-teachers office, sent to sit in the corridor, put in detention. I was kicked out of school multiple times. It got to the point where nobody even bothered any more. Did Lucy even go to school? I stopped going. I didn't take my exams.
No-one even noticed.

Fast forward to now and I have diagnoses of schizo-affective disorder and adhd. Schizo-affective basically being schizophrenia with bipolar. And attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. My main symptoms/struggles (which do overlap both):
Disorganised thinking. Being unable to organise myself. Short attention span. Poor memory. Not being able to stick to tedious tasks. Self-harm. Depression. Mania. Hallucinations/Delusions (seems the best friend I've had since I was about 3, who has pink hair? She's not real!). Not being able to sit still. Fidgeting. Excessive talking. Not being able to wait my turn. No concept of consequences.

See the overlap there?

I'm sure if I was in school these days, it would have been picked up. I would have been treated. I may even have thrived - because I really do enjoy learning. As long as I can do it at my own speed and in my own way.

The important thing is that it has been picked up, that I am being treated - both meds and counselling - and that I have found ways of coping with my... quirks.

Which is what brings us to toady. And starting to study English and Maths. I'd like to do Science (especially Physics) too but S was right when she said to start with these as I'd need them to be able to do science.

With English, I've been using the workbooks printed by a company called CGP Books who are the UK's main publisher for education books. I am starting at the beginning with what's known as Key Stage 1 - age 5-7
In the last couple of days I've learned what nouns are. What verbs are. What adjectives are. I use them all the time but I couldn't have told you what they are.
Nouns - they're things, like Lucy or anger or pizza or Wales.
Verbs - they're doing words, like typing or fucking or learning.
Adjectives - they describe nouns, like purple or hard or sweet. They can also be used to compare things - harder, fastest, stronger, slowest.
Isn't it weird how we can use the language but not know what it's individual parts?

We've ordered the CGP KS1 books for Maths and Science too - looking forward to them coming and being able to really get on with it.

I've been using the website Khan Academy for my maths - working through their 'missions', which are great because you do a few problems so the site can work out your level and guide you through learning, practising and 'mastering' each skill.
I completed the 'Early Math' mission which was mostly counting - then adding, subtracting, measuring, time, money, and shapes.
And now I'm working through the 'Arithmetic' mission - more advance adding, subtracting, multiplication and division. And pretty damn new to me topics like negative numbers, absolute value, decimals, and fractions.

For the first time in my life, I've been able to do long division. One 20 minute video and a couple of hours practice and I'm getting them right 85% of the time. The guy does the videos with different colours so I actually had this visual and 'ohhhh' that what 'bring the number down' does.

I've been doing things today like absolute values and improper fractions. I was talking to J on his lunch break and he had NO idea what I was even talking about. S said they hadn't invented fractions yet when J was at school! ;)

One of the things we need to work out is the length of time I'm able to study for. I've been doing either 10% of a mission or practising 5 skills on Khan. And I've been doing just a double page spread in the English books - but I think I can probably manage more. Trial and error, that'll be. Just like everything else.

So far so good though. It's all fitting into my daily schedule - which I'll have to show you one of these days!

Current Mood: thoughtful

Today is Not A Good Day. Today is in fact pretty close to being a bad day. I should have seen it coming, really. I've been up for quite a while. I spent hours last night obsessing over bullet journals, bookmarking websites, writing lists and notes and ideas. I completely lost track of time, went to bed at an hour that's too late for me and didn't get enough sleep.

Today I feel low. Today my depression has me wondering why I'm bothering - even why I'm writing here. I don't even know if I'll hit post or if I'll just delete.

I've been getting so proud of myself over the last few days for the maths I'm learning on Khan Academy. Before now, I've never grasped concepts such as fractions or long division and I feel amazing for it. I wanted to post all about it and share my excitement.

I had some English study books come in the post today. Starting with the basic level stuff, key stage one - primary school. Grammar and punctuation stuff for SATS. The first page, the very first thing and it's things I never knew.
Nouns. I learned today what nouns are.

It felt wonderful!

And then... then I felt completely stupid. Wondering what the hell I'm doing. I'm getting excited over learning concepts that I should have known over 30 years ago. That primary school age children know. I should not be excited about this. I should be humiliated. No, I am humiliated... both at not knowing such basic topics and at my joy over learning them. And really, You should see what my posts look like before the spellchecker built into Opera corrects them.

S will be home in about 10 minutes, J about 30 minutes after her. I'm going to be really glad to see them. Mostly, I just need a hug.

Current Mood: depressed

Croeso!

I'm Lucy, a 30-something woman who is trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing.

I'm bisexual and poly, living in North Wales with my partners J&S. I'm a home maker, love to bake and cook, and am a huge sci-fi fan.

I haved lived for so long under the shadow of a number of mental health diagnoses, letting them define me rather than just be part of me. For too long I've been "Lucy the Schizo" and I want to find out who 'Lucy' is

Welcome aboard my journey. I'm glad you're here and looking forward to getting to know you as we get to know me!

♥ Current Obsessions ♥
Angels. Anthropology. Dinosaurs. Doctor Who. Ghosts. Good Omens. Marvel. Mindfulness. Serial killers. Star Wars.

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Entries tagged with mental health

Once upon a time...

Things I Love

Who I Am

People don't resist change. They resist being changed

The blahs

Something for me

The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets

An actual update!

Can you hear that?

A Do-Over

Routine

Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life

Insomnia Strikes

Day 3 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

Embrace the glorious mess

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Polar opposite

Garfield-like

Educting Lucy

What goes up...

Croeso!

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